Don’t Say No

“Well, if someone tells me no … it makes me feel like I can’t do it.” Kyle,
age 13

Two-year-old Kensy says the word “no” a lot, but she’s only repeating what
she hears over and over around the house. Kensy’s mom, Peggy Carroll, says that
she uses the word “no” more than 100 times per day, and that her older daughter,
Kyle, says it even more than that. They aren’t alone. Experts say that many
kids hear “no” more than 200 times a day, and that too many negative responses
can lead to problems for children, including negative attitudes and even poor
self-esteem. “Well, if someone tells me no…it makes me feel like I can’t do
it,” says Kyle, age 13. Psychologist Marianne Garber says that children hearing
too many negatives are “at danger of…going inside themselves, and not knowing
what to do.” She recommends parents make four positive comments for each negative
comment that they say to a child. Cutting back on the emotional “no’s” is the
first step in turning things around. Something Peggy Carroll admits slips from
time to time. “No isn’t appropriate when I’m in a bad mood…and I just immediately
say no with out even thinking,” she says “I think that’s a real problem when
parents say ‘no’ too quickly. It’s very easy to automatically say ‘no’,” says
Dr. Garber. Even though “no” is no stranger in the Carroll household, Peggy
Carroll uses positive reinforcement to help keep Kyle and Kensy confident and
in good spirits.

How To Help Change Your Child’s Behavior
Basic Techniques of Discipline

1. Choose a Punishment That Decreases the Undesired Behavior: Punishment is
   effective only if it makes the inappropriate behavior less likely to recur.
2. Use Punishment Sparingly: If you use punishment too often, your child will
   get used to it and it will not continue to be effective.
3. Use Punishment in Combination with Positive Techniques: Applied by itself,
   punishment does not automatically teach a child good behavior. To encourage
   a child to act the way you would like, you must define, teach, and reward
   the positive behavior you wish to develop.
4. Don’t Delay Punishment: If you are going to punish your child, do it as
   soon as possible after the misbehavior. Any punishment loses its influence
   in the waiting, and the child may not connect it with what he did wrong.
5. Always Explain the Consequences: The child must know what behavior displeases
   you and what you will do if he continues to do it. Tell him your rule and
   the consequences for ignoring it.
6. Be Consistent: Effectual punishment is not only swift, it is also predictable.
   It must occur each and every time the misbehavior occurs.
7. Don’t make Empty Threats: Don’t threaten a child with punishment and then
   fail to follow through. Say what you mean and mean what you say – every time.
   Inconsistency and empty threats lead to misbehavior that becomes more firmly
   established and more resistant to change.
8. Give an Opportunity to Practice Good Behavior: The flip side of punishment
   is teaching the child what is appropriate, but she must get the chance to
   show what she’s learned. Prolonged punishment (grounding, for example) prevents
   that from happening.
9. If You Use Physical Punishment, Make It Brief and Controlled: As a general
   principle, physical punishment is not recommended but there are a few isolated
   exceptions. If, for example, your two-year-old tries to stick a bobbypin into
   an electrical outlet, you might shout, “No!,” grab the bobbypin, and give
   the child a quick slap on the hand. For a toddler, this consequence is more
   appropriate than a lecture on the dangers of electricity. Remember, the best
   discipline techniques include both positive and negative consequences planned
   as a way to change behavior.

Source: Good Behavior. Authors: Stephen W. Garber, Ph.D., Marianne
Daniels Garber, Ph.D., Robyn Freedman Spizman

Avoid These Techniques When Dealing With Misbehavior

• Don’t use physical punishment
• Don’t withhold love
• Don’t use bribes
• Don’t force promises from your child
• Don’t control through shame or guilt

Source: The Developing Child – Understanding Children and Parenting.
Author: Holly E. Brisbane

Be Positive!

Try to view your child’s general behavior in a positive light. You don’t dislike
everything about him, just those behaviors that annoy and frustrate you. Make
sure your child knows you love him and appreciate him and remember to let him
know when he’s behaving nicely. If Johnny has been making noise in the restaurant
and then calms down, tell him you like the way he’s acting now. A positive comment
accomplishes far more than any amount of criticism.

Source: Good Behavior. Authors: Stephen W. Garber, Ph.D., Marianne
Daniels Garber, Ph.D., Robyn Freedman Spizman

Resources

Good Behavior: Authors: Stephen W. Garber, PhD., Marianne Daniels Garber,
PhD., Robyn Freedman Spizman

The Developing Child – Understanding Children and Parenting: Author:
Holly E. Brisbane