Families Disagree about War

“Well, how would we feel if they did that to us – systematically,
symbolically destroy Washington, D.C.?” 17-year-old Joshua
asks his mother, Toby Hopstone.

During the Vietnam conflict, many young people protested
the war while their parents generally supported it. In the
Hopstone family today, members are divided the same way. Fifteen-year-old
Jordan and 17-year-old Joshua are both against the war while
their younger brothers, and parents, all support it.

Does a family disagreement about the war have the potential
to tear families apart? Experts say yes, and that actually
politics is one of the most common sources of intergenerational
conflict. That’s why some parents may try to avoid talking
politics with their children at home altogether. A full-blown
debate can be frustrating, even exhausting, particularly after
a long day at work.

“But we’ve got to be prepared to argue our perspective
through this, that’s how THEY learn to really have a more
complicated perspective than good and evil,” explains
Dr. Lynn Ponton, a child psychiatrist and founding chair of
the disaster and trauma committee of the American Academy
of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.

Dr. Ponton says for kids, especially teens, these discussions
play an integral role in their development. Through a family
debate on politics, your children may learn to think critically
and to organize their thoughts. They’ll also learn your values
and start defining their own.

“Rather than rebelling against parents, adolescents
want to define their own separate identity,” Dr. Ponton
says.

“The task of adolescence is differentiation from …
parents,” agrees Dr. Robert Perez, a clinical psychologist.
“The most common statement of adolescence is, of course,
‘I don’t know what I am, but I’m not, you! I’m not the parent.’
That’s OK – there’s nothing wrong with that,” he says.

Dr. Perez says that parents should have these conversations
and take care not to be rigid about their own thoughts or
judgmental about their children’s opinions. Don’t put your
kids down, he says. Instead, take care to listen, engage and
teach your children to do the same.

“I always like to debate and state my opinions and learn
– you know, that’s what it’s all about,” Joshua says.

And that’s something upon which he and his parents can agree.

“I think it’s important because it shows me that they
are thinking for themselves, that they’re open to discussion,”
says Joshua’s father, Michel Hopstone.

Adds Toby Hopstone: “Even to be exposed
to a higher level of dialogue I think is a healthy thing for
children.”

By Suki Shergill-Connolly, M.Ed.
CWK Network, Inc.

U.S. protests of the war in Iraq continue to gain media coverage
with increased student involvement. On March 5, 2003, high
school and college students from San Diego to Maine participated
in strikes, walkouts and boycotts of class to peacefully demonstrate
their anti-war stance. The National Youth and Student Peace
Coalition (NYSPC) organizers had expected between 200 and
300 campuses to participate in the nationwide rally. As tallies
came in, the list grew well past 300 and is still being tabulated.
Despite the icy weather in much of the country, and threats
of expulsion and suspension from high school administrators,
turnouts at various student rallies were largely higher than
expected:

• Union Square and Hunter College, NY: 1,200
• Philadelphia: 700
• Penn State: 1,500 attend walkout
• Seattle Central Community College: 1,000 plus a “die-in”
• Chicago DT rally: 5,000
• Los Angeles, CA: 40 to 50 schools with an average participation
  rate of 15-20%
• University of Arkansas: 1,000-1,200 walk out
• University of Michigan: 2,000 students boycott class

According to the NYSPC, students in Canada, Spain, Australia,
the United Kingdom, France, Bulgaria, Greece and Switzerland
took up the call for a student strike. Australia had the largest
turnout, with 10,000 students demonstrating in Sydney and
about 30,000 nationwide.

Although parents and teens may disagree with the U.S. government’s
decision to engage in war, differing opinions should not block
the lines of communication within the home. In dealing with
anxiety and stress associated with the war, parents and teens
should endeavor to listen to one another with mutual respect.
In fact, discussion about the war can be helpful to teens,
according to the New Jersey Department of Education:

• Group discussions facilitated by trusted and knowledgeable
  adults can provide a safe environment where children can
  ask questions that are personally relevant and come to understand
  what has happened and what is likely to happen.
• Discussion allows children to explore how they are feeling
  and to think about what might help them feel better. Peers
  can often provide each other with helpful ways to deal with
  feelings related to the war.
• Children may have similar needs as adults in times of
  crisis, but they often meet those needs in very different
  ways. It is important to find out what concerns they have
  and how they might feel their needs could be met.

It is essential for you to arm your child with coping skills
so that he or she can deal with traumatic events such as war,
threats of terrorism and death. The American School Counselor
Association offers the following strategies to help you help
your teen:

• Rebuild and reaffirm attachments and relationships. Love
  and care in the family is a primary need.
• It is important to talk to your child about the traumatic
  event – to address the irrationality and suddenness of disaster.
  He or she needs to be allowed to discuss his or her feelings,
  as do you, and your child has a similar need to have those
  feelings validated.
• Be prepared to tolerate regressive behaviors and accept
  the manifestation of aggression and anger, especially in
  the early phases after the stressful event.
• Your child will want as much factual information as possible
  and should be allowed to discuss his or her own theories
  about what happened in order to begin to master the trauma
  or to reassert control over his or her environment.
• Since your child may be reluctant to initiate conversations
  about trauma, it may be helpful to ask what he or she thinks
  other teens feel or think about the war.
• Reaffirming the future and talking in hopeful terms about
  future events can help your teen rebuild trust and faith
  in his or her own future and the world. Often, parental
  despair interferes with a child’s ability to recover.

When discussing the war with your teen, you may want to include
conversation regarding tolerance and peace. Even if you and
your teen disagree about the actions of the U.S. government,
use this time as an opportunity to share your values with
your teen. The National Association of School Psychologists
suggests the following tips and messages to include in family
discussions:

• Violence and hate are never solutions to anger.
• Groups of people should not be judged by the actions of
  a few.
• America is strong because of our diversity.
• All people deserve to be treated with fairness, respect
  and dignity.
• Vengeance and justice are not necessarily the same. Everyone
  wants the terrorists punished. Our government is working
  to identify who they are and how we will bring them to justice.
  Justice means punishing the real perpetrators, not innocent
  people.
• We are in this together.
• History shows us that intolerance only causes harm. We
  must not repeat terrible mistakes, such as our treatment
  of Japanese Americans and Arab Americans during times of
  war.
• We need to work for peace in our communities and around
  the world.
• Tolerance is a lifelong endeavor.

Responsible parenting involves providing support to your
child whether he or she chooses to discuss the war and concerns
within the family, participate in antiwar protests or pro-war
rallies or join volunteer groups. Practicing effective listening
skills and modeling positive communication strategies will
maintain the lines of communication between yourself and your
child not just during the war but also in the long term.

American
School Counselor Association
National
Association of School Psychologists
National
Youth and Student Peace Coalition
New
Jersey Department of Education