Son of a Military Man

On February 13th, the boy’s father, Col. John Barnes,
spent time with his family. The next day, he was deployed
to the Persian Gulf.

“We hung out with him, went to a movie, ate dinner
with him and then we left,” the boy says.

“I was glad he was able to write it” because
it’s not easy for him to talk about his fears, says
John’s mother, Laura Barnes.

“It’s not that John’s behavior has changed,
but John tends to internalize and keep what he is feeling
to himself,” Mrs. Barnes says.

“There are some kids who don’t talk. I mean,
they just don’t. It’s more traumatic for them
to talk,” says Dr. Sunaina Jain, a psychologist.

For children of military personnel, the sights and sounds
of war can be particularly frightening. Experts caution that
you should reassure them but stop short of promising that
their parent will return safely.

“Because if something does happen, then you have absolutely
no trust. That child will never trust you again,” says
Dr. Nancy McGarrah, a clinical psychologist.

However, experts suggest that you explain in glowing terms
their parents’ duty, dedication and bravery. You can
also limit kids’ exposure to war news, which is good
advice for all families but even more important for military
children. And keep kids busy with activities that help them
feel optimistic and closer to their parents.

“They can pray together if they’re a praying
family, he can write letters to the father and make records
of the things that he is doing that he is going to want to
share when the father comes home,” Dr. Jain says.

John emails his father regularly. One message that he hopes
makes it through loud and clear: “I love him and I am
proud of him,” John says.

As America’s war on
terrorism sends military personnel far from home, children
of the military have to cope with being separated from a parent.
How can parents help children understand and accept the separation
of deployment? The Air Force has published some helpful advice
in its “Predeployment Guide: A Tool for Coping”
(www.afcrossroads.com).
According to the guide, stress for children begins even before
the actual deployment. Children may not fully understand why
one of their parents must leave.

What can parents do to relieve the stress that comes in anticipation
of deployment? The Air Force offers the following advice:

• Talk to your child about the assignment or deployment
  before it happens. Communicate your thoughts and feelings
  about the separation. Be open and honest. Knowing about
  the deployment in advance will help your child adjust to
  the idea.
• Spend quality time with each child before leaving. Use
  this time to share pride in your work and the purpose of
  your assignment or deployment.
• Visit your child’s teacher. Frequently, kids react to
  a deployment by misbehaving in class or doing poorly in
  their studies. The teacher needs to be aware of the situation.
• Plan for communicating. Encourage your child to brainstorm
  about the many ways he or she can keep in touch with you
  (letters, cassette tape exchanges, photographs, email and
  telephone).

Parenting while away from home isn’t easy.
But the Air Force guide says the most important aspect of
parenting from a distance is “making those small efforts
to stay in touch”:

• Letters and cards from dad (or mom) are important.
• Cut out and send things from the local paper. It gives
  the kids an idea of what life is like where you are.
• Subscribe to a magazine (for older children). It’s a
  gift that keeps on giving.
• When using a tape recorder, be creative: sing, tell a
  story, read scripture and take it with you on the job.
• Don’t forget birthdays and special holidays.
• Schedule phone calls when the kids are likely to be at
  home. Keep a mental list of things you want to talk about
  with each child.
• If your child has a pet, be sure to ask about it.
• Send a special gift for each child.

Parents who are “left behind” at home during a
deployment can also help their children. If they are upset
about a deployed family member, don’t deny the seriousness
of the situation. But make sure your kids know that the chance
of returning from a war against terrorism is very high. Advances
in medicine and technology have greatly reduced potential
losses from military actions. Try to maintain normal routines
and provide a sense of stability and security at home.

The National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) says
that children who have a family member in the military, but
who don’t live near a military base, may feel isolated. Children
of reserve members called to active duty may not know other
kids in the same situation. They may feel “jealous of
friends’ undisturbed families and may strike out at signs
of normalcy around them.”

We all feel stressed during times of crisis and uncertainty.
If your children seem to need help beyond what is normally
available at home or school, the NASP suggests seeking help
at mental health services in your community.

National
Association of School Psychologists
U.S. Air Force