Kids Excel When Dads Are at School

“Some other kids will be like, ‘Dang, I always
see your dad at school, your dad is always here,’”
says David, a high school senior.

Knowing his father may be around, he says, keeps him in line.

“I mean, it does make you want to do a little bit better
so that you’re not being a disappointment, so to speak.
Plus, you know you got to have a reputation you have to keep
up now that there’s somebody in the school and there’s
people in the school that notice you and know your family,”
David says.

In fact, two studies conducted by the U.S. Department of
Education found that when fathers become more involved in
school and after-school events, their children’s grades
go up and discipline problems go down.

“The impact is unbelievable,” says Steven Creel,
a guidance counselor.

“When you go to the schools and you visit the children,
it puts the message in their head that you know if dad is
saying it’s important, it’s important to me,”
guidance counselor Kurus Jamison adds.

“And I think the results of that is a child …
or student who is better socially, who performs better in
school and is better behaved,” Creel explains.

Creel says that if fathers only knew how much their involvement
appears to positively influence their children, they might
find the time to visit their kids at school and get involved
more often.

“It doesn’t mean you have to be a superman or
anything, but it’s the simple things,” Creel says.

David’s father Dwayne agrees.

“It doesn’t take that much time; it’s just
a mere deciding it’s something you want to do,”
he says.

Many parenting issues
to some extent involve trying to find a happy medium between
two extremes. The amount and type of attention we pay to our
children is no exception. For example, paying a child too
little attention is said to trigger feelings of insecurity
and poor self-esteem lasting well into adulthood. The neglected
child is often unsure of love, having never experienced it.
This can lead to problems with forming attachments and intimacy.

Children who receive too little parental attention often
try to get their parents’ attention by participating
in behaviors that may be unsavory and in some cases dangerous.
Children who feel ignored by parents will often seek out support
and affirmation from others. This search for affirmation can
lead to associations with people who may encourage dangerous
and/or destructive behaviors.

The attention parents give to their children supports emotional
growth the same way that food nourishes physical growth. Children
crave acceptance, praise and those moments of undivided parental
attention. However, dangers associated with overly attentive
parenting for both the child and the parent do exist. A child
with overly attentive parents can experience or exhibit a
number of negative feelings and behaviors, including the following:

• Feelings of lacking control over
  their lives: Constant interaction with the parent
  does not allow the child to separate his or her identity
  from that of his or her parent.
• Feelings of inadequacy:
  The child may have trouble making important decisions on
  his or her own. The child may even tend to defer decisions
  to his or her parents even as an adult, continuing the patterns
  established during childhood and adolescence.
• Difficulty in establishing and
  maintaining intimate relationships: Relationships
  will repeatedly prove disappointing. After all, who could
  love the child as lavishly and unconditionally as a mother
  and father can?
• Difficulty with self-esteem:
  The child will thrive or fail based upon the approval of
  others. This sets him or her up to repeatedly fail, since
  human beings rarely live up to the idealized expectations
  of others.
• Narcissistic behavior: A
  young child tends to be naturally egocentric; he or she
  feels the world really does revolve around him or her. Overly
  attentive parents can reinforce these feelings to the point
  where the child may not be able or willing to recognize
  the feelings and needs of others.
• Inability to delay gratification:
  The child whose every whim is catered to by his or her parents
  will have a difficult time understanding that others may
  prioritize their desires differently.
• Manipulative behavior: The
  child will rapidly learn that he or she can obtain his or
  her desires by pushing his or her parents’ buttons.
  This is a behavior that the child will tend to attempt to
  repeat with others as he or she grows.

How can you achieve the appropriate balance
between paying too little attention to your child and smothering
him or her with attention? Research supports the importance
of being available, attentive and responsive to your child’s
needs, particularly in infancy. It is also important not to
stifle his or her attempts to develop the skills and behaviors
necessary to successfully negotiate life as your child matures.

According to Dr. Rex Forehand, former director of the Institute
for Behavioral Research at the University of Georgia, what
is of equal or greater importance than the amount of attention
given to your child is the way you express that attention,
particularly as it relates to praise. Dr. Forehand suggests
the following techniques for giving positive praise and attention
to your child:

• Praise your child’s efforts more than his or her
  accomplishments.
• Praise desirable behaviors that you want to see repeated,
  increased or maintained. When your child is learning a new
  behavior, praise the behavior often at first. Then gradually
  reduce and fade out the frequency of the attention/praise
  for the behavior. Don’t, however, stop recognizing
  and affirming the behavior altogether.
• Do not give attention to undesirable behaviors of your
  child. If you praise desirable behaviors and remove attention
  from the undesirable activities, he or she will gradually
  learn to differentiate between those behaviors you value
  and those behaviors you do not want to see repeated.

Here are some additional suggestions for encouraging the
healthy emotional development of your child:

• Encourage your child’s interests and abilities.
• Recognize your child’s normal accomplishments.
• Encourage your child to make decisions.
• Let your child take some risks.
• Give your child responsibilities.
• Don’t demand that your child be perfect.
• Avoid absolutes in describing your child.
• Limit negative feedback to your child.
• Don’t make a promise to your child you might not
  keep.
• Spend quality time with your child.
• Be accepting or your child.

Institute
for Behavioral Research