Friends in Need

“[I] tended to think about what it would be like if
I did not survive, but mostly I just thought I will survive,
I will go through it,” Marilu says.

But would her friends be there to support her?

“Generally, I would say that teenagers will lose some
of their friends as supports,” says Clare Bez, a licensed
counselor who specializes in teens who have experienced trauma
in their lives.

She says that to a certain extent, that’s to be expected.

“Because they’re all involved in life and living
and that’s just too much of a bummer, and we don’t
want to focus on that all the time,” Bez says.

Marilu agrees: “If you just think things are going
to go for the worst, and all you think about is, ‘Oh,
my gosh, I’m gonna die, I’m never gonna make it,’
people don’t want to be around someone who’s so
down,”

She has bone cancer, and yet her friends stayed with her.

“It wasn’t hard to deal with it because she dealt
with it very well,” says friend Kristin Wade, 17.

Experts say that what parents need to know is that when children
get sick or lose a loved one, what drives friends away isn’t
the tragedy – it’s the way the child handles it.

“You need to stay strong. Let people know that you
need them. Don’t just think that you need to do it all
by yourself. You need people there to be with you,”
Marilu says.

When Marilu is with her friends, it’s the same
as always – a lively hand of cards, a game of pool and
plenty of laughs. These are small moments Marilu appreciates
more than ever.

“I really do think you need to live life for the moment
because you don’t know if today’s going to be
your day or tomorrow’s going to be your day,”
Marilu says.

Most children have peers
who are dealing with a trauma such as a serious illness, a
loved one’s death or the pain of divorce. However, many
of these kids don’t know how to express compassion and
empathy toward those who are suffering.

Empathy is defined as “the ability to identify oneself
mentally with a person or thing and to understand his or her
feelings or meaning.” Many developmental specialists
believe that children begin to feel empathy and compassion
in four stages, as cited by the National Parent Information
Network:

• Stage one: The first signs
  of empathy occur during the first year of life and is characterized
  by the “global distress” felt by infants when
  they hear another baby’s cry, which may start a chain
  reaction causing every baby within earshot to start crying,
  too.
• Stage two: Between 1 and
  2 years of age, “egocentric empathy” is observed
  in toddlers who sometimes imitate the distress of another
  child by falling down and whining when another child has
  done so.
• Stage three: At about 2
  or 3 years of age, children begin to empathize with emotions
  other than distress. These emotions can include disappointment,
  fear, surprise, sadness, anger and enjoyment. This third
  stage of empathic development is referred to as “empathy
  for another’s feelings.”
• Final stage: “Empathy
  for another’s life conditions” occurs later
  in childhood, at approximately 8 years of age. Children
  at this time have wider life experiences and a better understanding
  of abstract concepts that enable them to imagine the pleasure
  or pain of another person or group of people, such as the
  homeless or those in other parts of the world.

While your child may be may not be struggling
to cope with a traumatic experience, he or she may have a
friend or family member who is. Your child can help by demonstrating
compassion for these people. The American Psychological Association
offers the following advice for teaching your child how to
act with compassion:

• Let your child know how much it
  means to you that he or she behaves toward others with compassion
  and responsibility. When you catch your child doing
  something that you think is thoughtless or cruel, you should
  let him or her know right away that you don’t approve.
  Speak to your child firmly and honestly, and keep your focus
  on the act, not on the child personally.
• Role model compassionate behavior.
  If you are consistently caring and compassionate, it is
  more likely that your child will be, too. Children watch
  their parents, and other adults, for clues on how to behave.
  Keep in mind that if you say one thing and do another, your
  child will pay a lot more attention to what you do. The
  old warning “Do as I say, not as I do” simply
  does not work, particularly when it comes to teaching about
  caring.
• Give your child books that promote
  compassionate behavior. Keep in mind, though, that
  kids – especially teens – don’t like characters
  who are “goody-two-shoes,” so look for books
  about ‘”ordinary” characters who perform acts
  of caring and concern.
• Monitor what your child watches.
  A study at the National Institute of Mental Health found
  that children who see kindness on television tend to imitate
  it. For this reason, you may want to limit your child’s
  viewing of violent programs and encourage him or her to
  watch shows that promote ideas about caring and helping.
  While you can’t shield your child from everything,
  a little discussion can go a long way. Ask him or her to
  think about what he or she saw and to consider other approaches
  the characters might have taken.
• Educate your child about famous
  altruists. Local museums can provide an inexpensive
  and enjoyable way to do this, as can television specials
  and books. Talk to him or her about who they admire and
  why.

American
Psychological Association
National Parent Information Network