Conventional wisdom has boys pressuring reluctant
girls into having sex. But why? One answer comes from new research
showing that boys pressure girls because boys are pressured
by other boys.
“If you have a girlfriend, I mean, you may not really
be affected by not having sex with her after a certain amount
of time, but all your friends, if they ask you, ‘Oh,
have you hit it? Have you done it with her yet?’ And
you say no, that could make them think less of you, and be
like, ‘Oh you’re whack, oh, you have no game,
you can’t hit it already after two months?’ I
mean, they could kinda look down on you for that,” explains
Brandon, 17.
“Like friends, they talk about things like their experience
or whatever. Like oh yeah, you gotta get this, or you gotta
get that, or whatever,” adds Tito, 17. “They say
those things because at this age, I guess they are trying
to look superior, look better.”
In a recent study of teen dating, the Kaiser Family Foundation
polled more than 1,800 teens and young adults. One-third of
adolescent boys said they feel “a lot” or “some”
pressure to have sex, whereas less than one-quarter of girls
said they feel that way.
Experts say parents can help by teaching their sons to listen
to themselves and to say “no” to the peer pressure,
the voice of the boys in the crowd.
Jason Le, an educator and mentor for Planned Parenthood,
spends time with many boys, including Brandon and Tito.
“They all believe peer pressure is when other people
force them to do something they don’t want to do –
but it’s not true! It’s a bunch of talk! YOU still
get to make the decision in the end. You’re still responsible
for the decision you made,” Le says.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Robert Perez agrees: “I mean,
after all, if you can’t say no, then in effect you can’t
really say yes, either. If the only response you have to any
behavior is yes, I automatically have to engage in it, then
that behavior is not voluntary at all. It becomes a reflexive
response, and it means nothing.”
He says parents need to use plain language to teach their
own values about boys and sex in an effort to counteract the
peer pressure from other boys.
And one more thought: While group dates are fun, sometimes
the group can pressure a boy to be more aggressive than he
would be on his own.
“They tell you, ‘Make a move or something,’
whereas when you are out alone, you kinda work at your own
pace, you kinda do your own thing,” Tito says.
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Nearly two-thirds of teens that have had sexual
intercourse say they regret it and wish they had waited, according
to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. The campaign
also found that when it comes to making a decision about sex,
30% said that friends influenced their decision the most.
As a parent, how can you help your child make an informed
decision about sex? It is first important to openly discuss
sexual health with your child. Although it may be tough and
awkward at times, open communication and accurate information
that comes from you – the parent – increases the
chance that your teen will postpone sex or use appropriate
methods of birth control once he or she begins. The American
Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry offers the following
advice when talking to your child about sex:
- Encourage your child to talk and ask questions.
- Maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere for discussions.
- Use words that are understandable and comfortable.
- Try to determine your child’s level of knowledge
and understanding.
- Keep your sense of humor, and don’t be afraid to
talk about your own discomfort.
- Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring and respect for oneself
and one’s partner.
- Be open in sharing your values and concerns.
- Discuss the importance of responsibility for choices and
decisions.
- Help your child to consider the pros and cons of choices.
Your teen may be feeling pressure to have sex from a number
of places – friends, peers or partners. As a parent,
it is important that you give your child the necessary tools
to make a decision about sex before peer pressure makes the
decision for him or her. The American Social Health Association
(ASHA) offers the following advice about sex and peer pressure
to share with your teen:
- Not every person your age is having sex. Even if sometimes
it feels like everyone is “doing it,” it is
important to realize that this is not true. People often
talk about sex in a casual manner, but this doesn’t
mean they are actually having sex.
- Hollywood doesn’t show the full story. Sexual situations
are everywhere in our culture. They are on television, in
movies and even in commercials and magazines. This is part
of the reason why we enjoy these things so much. Just remember:
Characters in these movies, television shows and advertisements
are actors and actresses. They can’t get unwanted
pregnancies and STDs. You can.
- There are lots of great reasons why people wait to have
sex. You may be making plans to go to college or to start
a job after you finish high school. Would a baby in your
life make it easier or tougher for you to do the things
you’ve dreamed about? Wanting to avoid STDs is another
reason that some people are very cautious about becoming
sexually active.
You can continue to help your teen avoid peer pressure to
have sex by teaching him or her the following strategies from
the ASHA:
- Hang out with friends who also believe that it’s
OK to not be ready for sex yet.
- Date several people and hang out with different groups
of people.
- Go out with a group of friends rather than only your date.
- Introduce your friends to your parents.
- Invite your friends to your home.
- Always carry money for a telephone call or cab in case
you feel uncomfortable.
- Stick up for your friends if they are being pressured
to have sex.
- Think of what you would say in advance in case someone
tries to pressure you.
- Be ready to call your mother, father or a friend to pick
you up if you need to leave a date.
- Never feel obligated to “pay someone back”
with sex in return for an expensive date or gift.
- Say “no” and mean “no” if that’s
how you feel.
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