Condom Controversy

In her early teens, Lindsay dated a guy who was four years older. Now, at age 19, she is a little older herself and wiser, she says, about love and sex.

“I was probably one of those girls who did give into [sexual] pressure just to keep the relationship going and I regret that now. It’s probably one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made.”

According to a survey of a thousand teens analyzed by the research group Child Trends, teenagers who date someone older are less likely to use protection-particularly condoms.

Experts say most often girls feel more pressure.

“Older guys who go for young, naïve girls- that’s all they’re going for just because they’re younger and don’t have experience and they just try to take advantage of it,” says Jonathan, 19. ”

Natasha, also 19, agrees, “With a younger female dating an older male, they tend to say, ‘Well, they have the authority here and they know what’s good and what’s right and what most people do.'”

“I think for a young girl who is not as experienced and mature, it is a terrible pressure to feel that if she says ‘no’ she’s not gonna have a boyfriend- she’s not gonna have a date,” explains Michelle Ozumba, a teen pregnancy prevention advocate.

Experts say parents should consistently talk to their girls and boys about boundaries and respect.

“And so the work that has to be done starts very early with giving the young girls the confidence to know how to manage themselves and to give young boys the confidence to know they’re still men and they’re still good men without having to have that conquering of a girl,” says Ms. Ozumba.

Jonathan adds, “If he really loves you, he won’t put you in that predicament. He won’t ask you to put yourself at risk.”

And from Lindsay, this advice: “Don’t give in—definitely don’t give in. It’s not worth it.”

By Larry Eldridge, Jr.
CWK Network, Inc.

The Heritage Foundation, along with the Christian Coalition of America, states that research shows that when teens take virginity pledges, it delays sexual activity on average for 18 months. In addition, abstinence programs “also can provide the foundation for personal responsibility and enduring marital commitment,” says Robert Rector, a senior research fellow at the Heritage Foundation. “Therefore, they are vitally important to efforts aimed at reducing out-of-wedlock childbearing among young adult women, improving child well-being and increasing adult happiness over the long term.”

In addition, according to data from Recapturing the Vision, an abstinence-only program for teenagers, of the 5,500 volunteer students who have taken a virginity pledge over the last eight years, 89 percent showed a decline in suspensions from school, 60 percent showed an improvement in attendance and only one became pregnant.

By Larry Eldridge, Jr.
CWK Network, Inc.

Experts offer the following tips for talking to your child about sex and helping him or her make healthy, wise decisions:

• Start early. Kids are hearing about and are forced to cope with tough issues at increasingly early ages, often before they are ready to understand all aspects of these complicated ideas. Additionally, medical research and public health data tell us that when young children want information, advice and guidance, they turn to their parents first. Once they reach the teenage years, they tend to depend more on friends, the media and other outsiders for their information. As a parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to talk with your child about these issues first, before anyone else can confuse your child with incorrect information or explanations that lack the sense of values you want to instill. Take advantage of this “window of opportunity” with your young child and talk with him or her earlier and more often, particularly about tou

• Initiate conversations with your child. While you want your child to feel comfortable enough to come to you with any questions and concerns – and thus give you the opportunity to begin conversations – this doesn’t always occur. That’s why it’s perfectly okay – at times even necessary – to begin the discussions yourself. Television and other media are great tools for doing so. Say, for instance, that you and your 12-year-old are watching television together and the program’s plot includes a teenage pregnancy. After the show is over, ask your child what he or she thought of the program. Did your child agree with how the teens behaved? Just one or two questions could help start a valuable discussion that comes from everyday circumstances and events. Also, when speaking with your child, be sure to use words he or she can understand. Trying to explain AIDS to a six-year-old with words like “transmission” and “transfusion” may not be as helpful as using simpler language. The best technique: use simple, short words and straightforward explanations.

• Overcome that uncomfortable feeling. If you feel uncomfortable talking about such sensitive subjects, particularly sex and relationships, with your young child, you’re not alone. Many parents feel awkward and uneasy, especially if they are anxious about the subject. But for your child’s sake, try to overcome your nervousness and bring up the issue. After all, your child is hearing about it both through the media and on the playground, and that information may not include the values that you want your child to have.

• Create an open environment. Young children want their parents to discuss difficult subjects with them. However, your child will look to you for answers only if he or she feels you will be open to his or her questions. It’s up to you to create the kind of atmosphere in which your child can ask any questions – on any subject – freely and without fear of consequence. You can create such an environment by being encouraging, supportive and positive.

• Communicate your values. As a parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to be the first person to talk with your child about tough issues like sex, drugs and violence before anyone else can confuse him or her with “just-the-facts” explanations that lack the sense of values and moral principles you want to instill. When talking with your child about sex, remember to talk about more than “the birds and the bees,” and communicate your values. Research shows that children want and need moral guidance from their mothers and fathers, so don’t hesitate to make your beliefs clear.

• Listen to your child. It’s important to find time to give your child your undivided attention. Listening carefully to your child builds self-esteem by letting him or her know that he or she is important to you and can lead to valuable discussions about a wide variety of sensitive issues. Listening carefully also helps you better understand what your child really wants to know as well as what he or she already understands.

• Try to be honest. Whatever your child’s age, he or she deserves honest answers and explanations. It’s what strengthens your child’s ability to trust. Also, when you don’t provide a straightforward answer, your child will make up his or her own fantasy explanations, which can be more frightening than any real, honest response you can offer.

• Talk about it again and again. Since most young children can only take in small bits of information at any one time, they won’t learn all they need to know about a particular topic from a single discussion. That’s why it’s important to let a little time pass, then ask your child to tell you what he or she remembers about your conversation. This will help you correct any misconceptions and fill in missing facts.

Kaiser Family Foundation
Children Now
First Things First