Parents Can’t Say No

Cash, clothes, cars: what teenagers want, many often get. “It’s just sort of all handed to me. I don’t really have to work for it, I guess,” Emily, 16, admits.

Many parents admit that they spoil their kids. “Because you’re trying to give them a better life and do more for them than you had the opportunity to experience,” reasons Harriet Adams, a parent.

Monika Reese, another parent, says, “You love them so much, you hate to say no.”

“Part of that is guilt, part of that is they want for their child things that they didn’t have, and they are working long hours, excessive time spent away from home. And so when they come home, how can they say no,” says psychologist Sherry Blake.

But experts say parents must learn to balance “yes” with “no,” as Thomas Evans’ dad does.

“It’s all about responsibility,” says Mike Evans. “He’s gotta be responsible. He needs to learn to be responsible for what he has.” Mr. Evans admits he has the resources to give Thomas, 15, the things he wants, but he doesn’t always. Thomas pays for many of the things he wants — video games, sports equipment — with money from a part-time job. He says his dad has taught him the value of hard work. “He gave me a sense of appreciation for what I have,” he says.

Experts say kids need to learn to value what they have. If parents give without limits, teens may develop a sense of “entitlement.” “The problem with entitlement is they ‘want’ at the expense of everyone else,” says Dr. Blake. “They ‘want’ regardless if they have worked for it or not. And they’re always finding the shortcut. They’re always finding the ‘easy’ way and the reality is there is no easy way.”

She says it’s good to make kids earn the things they want through chores, good grades or good behavior. Help them understand, says Dr. Blake: “You know some things you have to wait for. Some things you really do have to work for, and it’s okay not to have everything.”

Studies show that children who are given too much too soon can grow into adults with an inability to cope with life’s disappointments. Parents who refuse to deny their children are increasing the possibility of anxiety and depression in the years to come. Consider the following:

• One survey showed grade-school children expect to ask for something they crave nine times before their parents give it to them.
• Families with 3- to 12-year-olds spend $53.8 billion annually on entertainment, personal-care items and reading materials for their children.
• Teens between 12 and 19 spent about $175 billion in 2003.
• The average American child sees more than 40,000 commercials each year. Keep in mind, this figure doesn’t account for fast-food restaurants within schools, product placements in film and television, or corporate sponsorship within schools and amateur and professional stadiums.
• The average kindergarten student has seen more than 5,000 hours of television and has spent more time in front of the television than it takes to earn a bachelor’s degree.

Children will also develop self-control, or the ability to make choices about one’s behavior and actions rather than relying on impulses, more quickly if they come from a disciplined home and know the meaning of the word “no.” Instead of acting on instinct or immediate impulse, those showing self-control pause to evaluate a situation and any resulting consequences. More benefits to teaching your child self-control are listed below:

• If a parent teaches self-control, the child will learn to make appropriate decisions and act accordingly.
• Teaching your child self-control will help him or her get along with peers and family members, and it also will ensure safety.
• Self-control prevents impulsive behavior that may have dangerous or negative consequences.
• Without self-control, a child will say and do things without thinking about the consequences.
• With no self-control, your child could find him or herself in frustrating or dangerous situations.
• Your child needs self-control to resist peer pressure, especially as the teen years present choices of sex, drugs and alcohol.
• Set a good example for your child and show him/her how to control his/her impulses. For example, don’t verbally vent frustrations with work or traffic in your child’s presence.

Experts encourage parents to halt what has become a maddening trend and begin teaching children about what’s really important: values, hard work, delayed gratification, honesty and compassion. But with extended work hours, dual-income families and disposable income (buying power), many parents find it difficult to deny children the material possessions they covet.

Many children use the everyone-has-one argument. When parents investigate and learn classmates already have the object of desire, they are more likely to cave in and head to the store. To combat this problem, parents in Boulder, Colo., founded the Parent Engagement Network+ (PEN+), a support group created to bring the community together via interactive gatherings addressing a variety of parenting issues. Among the issues: enforcing rules and limits to ensure that “keeping up with the Joneses” doesn’t get out of hand.

Unlike past generations, today few parents ask children to complete household chores. Many feel their child is already overburdened with social and academic pressures. They feel it is cruel to add lawn care, laundry, scouring and scrubbing to a lengthy to-do list. However, consider the following:

• As a parent, it is important to separate permissiveness and love. Expects says that too much love won’t spoil a child, but too few limits can.
• Unlike adults, children need behavioral limits.
• Limitations show a child he/she lives within a structured environment, and this gives the child a sense of security.
• Children learn self-control by watching how others, especially parents, behave.
• Teach children that treats are reserved for special occasions.
• When implementing a plan of control, be sure to remind doting grandparents, godparents, aunts, uncles and others that their participation and restraint is essential for the success of the plan and the future of the child.

Literacy Statistics for the United States
KidsHealth
Newsweek
Parent Engagement Network