Babies Make Stress

Having a baby is hard on a marriage, and always has been. New mother Angela Griffin knows about the headaches. “Who’s going to go and get the baby when the baby is crying? Who’s going to get up in the middle of the night and fix the bottles?”

Angela found she had less time to spend with her husband Tommie. “After you have a baby you are an emotional wreck. You just want to basically take care of the baby and kind of be by yourself.”

Husband Tommie says, “My wife and the baby, they have their life and I’m sitting on the couch watching them.”

According to new research from Rutgers University, new parents report even less marriage satisfaction than a generation ago. Only 37percent of married adults report being happy once kids arrive. That number is down from 51 percent three decades ago. There are lots of reasons.

Psychologist Marjorie Blum points out more people live away from extended family. “You may live near no one from your family of origin. And therefore feel like, ‘Well, I can’t ask anybody for anything, it’s not my family.’”

Also, one parent may leave behind a career. It’s often the woman, and she’s alone all day.

Blum says, “She’s really wanting to connect to an adult human being. And he’s exhausted and stressed at being a sole income earner at that point.”

Blum says parenting can be lonely, but don’t be afraid to ask for help. “They can turn to their pediatrician. They can interview their friends about how they resolve those kinds of issues. There are resources out there. They are not doing this in a vacuum.”

And it may help just to remember, that for most couples, things do get easier.

Tommie Griffin says, “You kind of take it one day at a time you do the best you can with much, much understanding.”

Experts also advise couples to sign up for a marriage education course before getting pregnant. They can vary in length from a half-day to a semester.

In addition to marriages being affected by the addition of children, statistics show children are also impacted by their parents’ marital situation. Consider the following:

• Fatherless children are six times more likely to live in poverty than children living with both parents.
• A 1996 survey relating to the family background of jail inmates revealed that 60.3 percent grew up in broken homes.
• There is a strong correlation between the number of single parent families and the crime rate in cities with a population of over 100,000.
• Children whose parents separate are significantly more likely to experience conduct and mood disorders, engage in early sexual activity and abuse drugs. This effect is especially strong for children whose parents separated when they were five years old or younger.

Marriages can begin to struggle as parenthood approaches and after a child is born. One main reason for the strain on the marriage is the time and commitment it takes to properly raise a child. As time is spent focusing on a child, husbands and wives often can be too tired to focus on each other’s feelings and their communication techniques.

Experts have developed the following list of communication tips that can increase intimacy within a marriage while, at the same time, raising a child:

• Start your sentences with “I” and let your statements reflect back on you. For example: “I’m feeling really tired and frustrated right now. The baby was fussy all day and I need a little love and encouragement. Will you hold me for a little bit?”
• Avoid making “you” statements – they tend to be attacking. For example, avoid saying, “You’re so inconsiderate. Can’t you at least put your dirty dishes in the sink?”
• Skip the “why” questions. Instead of saying, “Why can’t you take the baby for a little while and give me a break?” Say, “Honey, I’m exhausted. Can you take the baby for a few minutes and let me regroup?”
• Wipe out absolute statements like “never” and “always.” These will only cause trouble.
• Generously use the words “thank you” and “please.” We all need to be appreciated and yet we often forget to express that appreciation to the one we’ve chosen as our mate for life!
• Give three positive statements each day. We tend to express our negative feelings, yet hold our tender feelings inside. Make a habit of expressing the positive ones.

Talk about “us.” It’s easy to be consumed with talk about the baby, but it’s also important to talk about you and about your love life. Set aside times when the topic of your conversation is your relationship. Affirm the positive aspects and commit to work on areas that need improvement. Share your feelings. Look for ways to affirm your spouse and keep affirming each other.

Parenthood.com
University of Washington
Family First