Dating Older Boys

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  Dating Older Boys Kristen DiPaolo | CWK Network
 
 

“I think a lot of guys especially in high school will go for younger girls just because they’ll give it up, you know. They are willing to experiment, they are easier.”

– Sarah Lim, 19
  Related Information What Parents Need To Know Resources

Parents often worry about their daughters having an older boyfriend. According to data from the Centers For Disease Control, it turns out they have good reason to be worried.

Sarah Lim is 19. Her boyfriend is 22.

Sarah says, “I have to admit, because I am dating an older guy, you know, I am very more open to alcohol, just because, I can ask him, ‘Hey can you go to the store and buy me something?’”

Sarah says another risk of dating an older guy might be getting pressured into having sex. She says, “I think a lot of guys especially in high school will go for younger girls just because they’ll give it up, you know. They are willing to experiment, they are easier.”

New research shows one in four girls who’ve had sex – say their first time was with a guy at least three years older.

Sarah says, “When guys are older, girls will trust them. ‘Oh, he knows what he’s talking about. He has more experience.’”

The research shows – with an older boy – girls are less likely to use a condom – and more likely to get pregnant than other sexually active teens.

Psychologist Dr. Nancy McGarrah says, “So frequently the younger girl is naïve. Sometimes she doesn’t have the assertiveness to stand up for herself and demand that a condom be used.”

The study also shows, on average – girls who lost their virginity to an older boy – ended up having more sexual partners than girls whose first time was with someone their own age.

Dr. McGarrah says, “They frequently will start feeling like damaged goods, or that they are down a road sexually that they weren’t ready to go down, but there’s no going back. So they will frequently then go onto another relationship with an older guy.”

She says parents can set ground rules – for example – teens can only date someone who is one grade level above them.

Dr. McGarrah says, “You want to have your children talking to you about who they are interested in, who they think is cute, who they kind of have their eyes on. You can usually, if you are having a communication that’s good with your child, you get those clues a long time before they come home and say they have a boyfriend who’s 18.“

The research also shows ten percent of sexually active boys lose their virginity to a girl at least three years older – and that they, too, face damaging effects to their health.
By Larry Eldridge
CWK Network, Inc.

The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University found proof of what many parents have suspected for generations: It’s not a great idea for their daughters to date older boys. The CASA study found that teenage girls who date boys two years or more older are more likely to smoke, drink and use drugs. CASA says friends can reflect and even influence your child’s behavior.

“We found a tight connection between teen sexual behavior and dating and teen risk of smoking, drinking and using illegal drugs,” said CASA chairman Joseph Califano.

Among the statistics cited in the CASA study:

  • Fifty-eight percent of girls who had boyfriends two years or more older drank alcohol, compared to 25 percent of the girls who dated boys their own age or not at all.
  • Half of the girls dating someone at least two years older smoked marijuana, compared to 8 percent of the other girls.
  • Sixty-five percent of girls dating older guys smoked cigarettes, whereas 14 percent of the other girls were smokers.
  • Forty-five percent of teens say the reason they lost their virginity is because “the other person wanted to.”
  • Thirty-two percent of teens say the reason they lost their virginity is because they were “just curious.”
  • Twenty-eight percent of teens say the reason they lost their virginity is because they “hoped it would make the relationship closer.”
  • Sixteen percent of teens say the reason they lost their virginity is because “many of their friends already had.”
 
By Larry Eldridge
CWK Network, Inc.

The Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States says that “information about young people’s sexual behavior – from the attitudes they have to the decisions they make to the actions they take – can help parents communicate with their children.” And communication is of high importance. Consider the following:

  • When asked, 42 percent of teens said they would like to “honestly” discuss dating with their parents at dinner; 30 percent feel the same on the topic of substance use.
  • Sixty-four percent of teens don’t have sex because they “worry about what their parents might think.”
  • Half of adolescents surveyed said fear of pregnancy and STDs is the main reason why adolescents don’t have sex.
  • Twenty-six percent of adolescents said the main reason adolescents do not have sex is because of religion, morals and values.

According to experts at the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, open communication and accurate information from parents increase the chance that teens will postpone sex and will use appropriate methods of birth control once they begin. In talking with your child or adolescent, it is helpful to:

  • Encourage your child to talk and ask questions.
  • Maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere for discussions.
  • Use words that are understandable and comfortable.
  • Try to determine your child’s level of knowledge and understanding.
  • Keep your sense of humor and don’t be afraid to talk about your own discomfort.
  • Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring and respect for oneself and one’s partner.
  • Be open in sharing your values and concerns.
  • Discuss the importance of responsibility for choices and decisions.
  • Help your child to consider the pros and cons of choices.

By developing open, honest and ongoing communication about responsibility, sex, and choice, parents can help their youngsters learn about sex in a healthy and positive manner.

 


The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University
Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States
American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
Talk With Your Kids
 

Decline in Dating

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Education Feature
Decline in Dating
By Robert Seith
CWK Senior Producer
 
“We all
like to encourage [our teens to stay in] groups, particularly
going to the movies, because then you think your child’s not
doing anything. Well, I know that’s wrong.”
-Mary Wheat, a mother-
Ask a lot of teens if they “date,”
and you might be surprised by their responses.

“Not usually,” 15-year-old Kaleigh answers.

In fact, according to a new poll published by the research
group Child Trends, the number of high school seniors who
say they don’t date at all has risen dramatically, from 14%
a decade ago to 22% today.

“There’s not as much social demand to have a girlfriend
or boyfriend that you are ‘dating’ at this day and time because
the prevalence out there is to go to the mall, the skating
rink, the movies, with a group of friends,” says Dr.
Gary Dudley, a licensed psychologist.

One reason for the decline may be more open discussions about
sex in magazines, television and our culture,
which makes teens treat it more casually. Experts say it used
to be that a close, one-on-one relationship was a prerequisite
for sexual activity. But for some teens, that’s changed.

“Teenagers are increasingly sophisticated about all
kinds of sexual activity,” Dr. Dudley says.

“Like, they wanna just have sex with them and like make
out with them and stuff. They just don’t want a relationship,”
16-year-old Glenna says.

“They definitely hook up, with many people. And that’s
why they don’t date that way they’re not down to one person,”
adds Jessica, 15.

“It’s easier just to like hook up with girls and ‘play
the field,'” 18-year-old Chris Smith says.

Experts say that’s why it’s crucial that parents get to know
their child’s friends and their attitudes about sex.

“In some circles, it’s considered cool to be having
sex; in other circles, it’s not cool, so you have to ask the
question, what is this child’s social environment like and
who are they hanging out with,” Dr. Dudley says. “If
you’re very clear that a teen is engaged in some dangerous
or risky sexual behavior, taking whatever steps are necessary
to provide for the safety of that child is appropriate.”
 
Set Clear
Guidelines for Teenage Dating

By Suki Shergill-Connolly, M.Ed.
CWK Network, Inc.

Dating among teens in
the last decade has experienced a declining trend, according
to a national poll conducted by the University of Michigan
Survey Research Center. In fact, the 2001 figures show that
many of today’s teens do not date at all. The poll of roughly
50,000 U.S. teens found that approximately one-half of eighth-graders,
one-third of 10th-graders and one-fifth of high school seniors
report they never go on dates.

While the reason for this trend is unknow, the researchers
suggest that the ever-changing definition of a date may be
responsible for the low numbers.

“Teens may not be hanging out any less but doing things
they are less likely to call dates,” Dr. Brett Brown,
director of social indicators research at Child Trends Databank,
told Reuters news service.
 

While dating is a major part of the adolscent journey toward
adulthood, how can you determine if your teen is ready? The
Beech Acres Parenting Center suggests that you first choose
an appropriate age for your teen to begin dating. Consider
options like group dates vs. single dating, riding in a car
with another teen and curfews. Base your decisions on these
issues, and stick with them. Set up guidelines for dating
and make sure that the rules are consistent for all of your
children.

Along with establishing the “rules of dating,”
you should also discuss dating and sexual activity. Again,
you must set clear guidelines for your teen. The University
of Minnesota Extension Service offers the following tips for
talking to your teen about dating and sex:

  • Answer your teen’s questions as they come up.
  • Answer your teen directly and honestly. Your willingness
    to be open and truthful will go a long way, especially when
    it comes to your teen dealing with the tough stuff.
  • Be clear about your values. The values you teach will
    be the foundation from which your teen will make future
    decisions.
  • Don’t hesitate to let your teen know how you feel and
    what you expect. At the same time, be willing to listen
    and not judge when your teen speaks.
  • Remember that your teen is hearing about sex everywhere.
    Make sure he or she gets the true story from you. Just because
    your teen says, “I know,” doesn’t mean he or she
    does. If your teen is resistant, back off for the moment
    and pick up the conversation later in the day or the next
    day.
  • Be persistent. Parents have a lot of knowledge and experience.
    Your voice needs to be heard.

Dating can be a positive experience for many teens, but sometimes
that experience is marred by violence for both boys and girls.
The Massachuettes Medical Society cites the following warning
signs of victims of dating violence to look for in your dating
teen:

  • Sudden changes in clothes or make-up
  • Bruises, scratches or other injuries
  • Failing grades or dropping out of school activities
  • Avoiding friends
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Sudden changes in mood or personality, becoming anxious
    or depressed, acting out or being secretive
  • Changes in eating or sleeping habits, avoiding eye contact,
    having “crying jags” or getting “hysterical”
  • Constantly thinking about dating partner
  • Using alcohol or drugs
  • Pregnancy – some teens believe that having a baby will
    help make things better; some girls are forced to have sex

Some of these signs are just a normal part of being a teen.
But when these changes occur suddenly, or without an explanation,
cause for concern may exist. If you suspect your teen is involved
in a destructive relationship, step-in and seek professional
advice and assistance.

The Melrose Alliance Against Violence encourages parents
to help teens recognize healthy relationships. Point out features
of healthy relationships from books, movies or real life.
In addition to feelings of love, you should emphasize to your
teen the following characteristics of healthy relationships:

  • Both partners give and take, each getting his or her way
    some of the time and compromising some of the time.
  • They respect each other and value one another’s opinions.
  • They support and encourage one another’s goals and ambitions.
  • They trust one another and learn not to inflict jealous
    and restrictive feelings on the other if they should arise.
  • Neither is afraid of the other.
  • They communicate openly and honestly and make their partners
    feel safe in expressing themselves.
  • They share responsibility in decisionmaking.
  • They accept the differences between them.
  • They encourage each other to have friends and activities
    outside the relationship.

Keeping the lines of communication open between yourself
and your teen will make for a smoother transition into the
realm of teenage dating.
 

Beech
Acres Parenting Center
Child
Trends Databank
Massachusetts
Medical Society
Melrose Alliance
Against Violence
University
of Michigan Survey Research Center
University
of Minnesota Extension Service