The Daughter Dynamic

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Education Feature

The Daughter Dynamic

By Robert Seith
CWK Senior Producer
 
“Dealing with three other girls is pretty hard.”
-16-year-old Cassandra Palma, explaining how she thinks her father must feel in a house with his wife and two teenage daughters.-

If your only child is a daughter, your chance of divorce goes up 6 percent.

With three teenage daughters, divorce is 10 percent more likely than having 3 teenage sons.

This, according to research from the University of California.

The problem seems to be dads. and daughters.

“It’s just easier to relate to your own gender. So in order to relate to your daughter of the opposite sex, that takes a lot more work,” says Richard Reasoner, Ph.D., a psychologist.

While 16-year-old Cassandra Palma plans a shopping trip with her mom and sister. dad sits all by himself.

“When you have daughters they like to do things with the mom more because they’re all girls and it’s a lot of fun, like going shopping. the dad is kind of, I guess, the outcast,” she says.

“There’s been a few times where I was the outsider,” says her father, Mike Palma.

Experts say feeling like an outsider is hard on a marriage..

The solution, they say, is for dads to find lots of different ways to connect with their daughters.

“Take time, I’m going to be working late? Call her on the telephone, but make sure that I ask, hey what’s going on. Remember her friends name, ask about her friend. Do some things like that to show what’s important to you is important to me,” says Dr. Reasoner.

He says it may be easier for dads to connect with a boy. because they were a boy once themselves.

Still, Mike Palma says.. with daughters you just have to work a little harder.

“And I try to think differently, try to think a little bit more like they’re thinking. And be empathetic to their needs, which has been the tough part for me,” he says, “Just, you need a lot of patience!”

 
Related
Information

Children’s post-divorce adjustment is mainly dependent upon three things: the quality of their relationship with each parent before the divorce, the intensity and duration of the parental conflict and the parents’ ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce. Typically, children whose parents are going through a rough divorce engage in behaviors that are designed to help them feel secure. According to the Mediation Information and Resource Center, some typical feelings children of divorced parents experience include denial, abandonment, anger, depression and guilt.
 

Many divorcing or divorced parents may become overwhelmed when faced with behavioral changes in their children. According to Dr. Rex Forehand, a behavioral scientist, children may be more influenced by their parents’ post-divorce actions than the pre-divorce ones. Dr. Forehand gives the following recommendations to divorced and divorcing parents to help minimize the negative effects of divorce on their children.

  • Both parents should work on maintaining a positive relationship with their child. This serves as a buffer against the stresses of divorce and assures the child of the parents’ continued love for them.
  • Subject the child to as few environmental and structural changes as possible as a result of the divorce (e.g. try to have the child attend the same school, continue to live in the same home, etc.). Of particular importance is consistency in regard to the child’s standard of living. For this reason, regular child support payments are often critical.
  • Don’t argue or fight with your ex-spouse in the child’s presence. This is perhaps the most important issue related to a child’s adjustment following parental divorce. The amount of parental conflict (e.g. over visitation, support, etc.) that the child witnesses following divorce is directly related to their level of adjustment.
  • Consistent discipline is very important. Both parents should use similar age-appropriate discipline techniques with their children. Limits on what is and is not acceptable behavior for their children should also be consistent between the two homes.
  • Don’t use the child as a messenger in parental communications. The child should never be asked to communicate messages such as “tell your dad that he is late with the child support payment.”
  • Don’t use the child as a spy. Parents should not ask their child questions about the other parent’s life (e.g. questions about whom the parent is dating).
  • Don’t use the child as an ally in parental battles. Always avoid bringing the child into battles with the ex-spouse. Trying to get the child to take sides will usually result in worsening the child’s relationship with both parents.
  • Don’t put down the other spouse in front of the child. Remember that your ex-spouse (no matter how much anger you feel toward him/her) is still your child’s parent.
  • Don’t burden the child with personal fears and concerns. Unfortunately, many divorced parents turn to their children for support. This almost always has a negative impact on children and adolescents because they are rarely capable of handling such a stress without harmful effects. Children have enough difficulty with their own adjustment without the added burden of their parent’s problems.
  • It is usually in the child’s best interest to have a consistent pattern of frequent visits with the non-custodial parent. Frequent cancellations, long periods of no contact and sporadic visitation schedules often have a detrimental effect on the child.
  • Understand that the first several years after divorce are going to be difficult for you as a parent and person.

Divorce Resource Network

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Psychological and Emotional Aspects of Divorce