Parents in Denial

Courtney and Ashlei, both 18, say they were sexually active in high school. And their parents didn’t know. “Oh, not my daughter, she would never do anything like that,” says Courtney. Ashlei adds, “They don’t want to think about that I might want to be on birth control, or might need to be on birth control, or anything like that because they don’t even want to discuss the topic.”

Almost half of high school kids have had sex, but a new survey found that 84 percent of parents believe their teenager is a virgin. “A mixture of wishful thinking, denial, and sometimes just plain not paying attention to the cues,” says psychologist Paul Schenk.

“I know a whole bunch of people whose parents think they’re just angels, but they do things that their parents would just probably cry (about) if they found out,” says 16-year-old Lewis Williams.

Experts say there are clues. Kids may be more secretive about their boyfriend or girlfriend. They may suddenly be interested in washing their own clothes. But the best way to find out, experts say, is the simplest: “You could certainly ask the teen. I find parents don’t ask questions they aren’t ready to hear the answers to,” says Dr. Schenk.

And whatever the answer, in the midst of whatever else the parents say, the child needs to know he or she is still loved and accepted. Avoid “dispensing with that shaming or the guilt induction, because the teenager’s probably already doing a lot of that himself or herself.”

Courtney says she told her parents a couple months ago. “It was a big shock. It was a lot of emotions. It was anger and upset and sad and just everything you can think of that I had already dealt with myself with my beliefs. They were let down, but ultimately they’re going to love you for who you are.”

Almost two-thirds of teenagers who have had sex wish they had abstained longer. Fifty-six percent of teens (and 66 percent of adults) believe that teenagers should not be sexually active. Almost seven-out-of-10 teens and adults feel sex education should place a greater emphasis on abstinence and contraception. Sixty-nine percent of teens report that it would be “much easier” to postpone sexual activity if they could have “more open, honest conversations” about sex with their parents. Seventy-nine percent of teens do not find it embarrassing to say they have not had sex. In addition, teens reported that morals, values and religious beliefs influence their decisions about sex. In addition, consider the following:

• By ninth grade, 34 percent of teens have had sexual intercourse. By 12th grade, this figure increases to 60 percent.
• Most parents say they have discussed sex with their teenagers, but “far fewer” teenagers say they had such talks with their parents.
• About 18 percent of sexually experienced young teens regularly consume alcohol. Only three percent of teens who are virgins drink regularly.
• Nearly half of 14-year-olds surveyed have attended a party with no adult supervision, and more than 30 percent said they had “lain on a bed or couch alone with someone they liked” in the last three months.

A recent study found that sex-saturated television might encourage teens to start having sex earlier. Programs with sexually oriented conversations have as much effect as those that depict sex or imply that sex has happened. Those in the top 10 percent for viewing sexually related scenes were twice as likely to engage in intercourse as those in the lowest 10 percent. Teens whose parents supervised their activities closely were less likely to watch sexually oriented shows. Studies have shown that …

• Parents do play a significant role in children’s decisions about sex. Talking to your child about your beliefs and the repercussions of being sexually active is very important. These talks should begin at an early age.
• About 60 percent of teens have a television in their bedroom. The only way to keep parental control of television viewing is to not let your teen have a television in the bedroom.
• According to 57 percent of adults and 72 percent of teens, the media has given “more attention” to teen pregnancy prevention in recent years.

A significant number of teens are having sex. And many of them are doing it at their home or their partner’s home. Sarah Brown, director of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, says parents “can have a significant impact on their children’s decisions about sex. This notion that it’s impossible to supervise kids is ludicrous if a lot of them are having sex in the rec room.” In addition, …

• Many adults feel that teens are most likely to engage in sex after school while parents are still at work. However, most sexually active teenagers had sexual intercourse for the first time in their parents’ homes, late at night.
• The same study found that four percent first had sex in a vehicle, three percent at an outdoor location, and three percent were at a hotel or motel.
• Sarah Brown, director of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, reminds parents, “Abstinence is better than contraception, but contraception is better than pregnancy.”

The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation
Medical News Today
Talk With Your Kids
USA Today