“We didn’t get along AT ALL,” says Tiffany,
now 14 years old.

“I didn’t like having a whole new family,”
says Ashley, 15.

“I think I’ve been here since ’98 and just
started really talking to them now,” agrees Andrew,
16.

Michael’s kids resented Gladys, and her kids wouldn’t
listen to him.

“They stayed in their own room a lot; they found things
to do by themselves a lot,” Gladys says.

Divorce is hard enough on children, but when a divorced parent
remarries, joining a new family can be an emotionally difficult
experience for kids. They actually get MORE upset.

“It’s very hard for children, especially adolescents,”
says Valerie Houghton, a family therapist specializing in
split families.

Houghton says it’s hard for kids to understand why
they’re getting moved around and getting less attention
than they were. But according to new research from UCLA, the
longer a stepfamily is together, the more stable it becomes
and the less depression the kids have. And eventually, the
children whose parents remarry are actually happier than children
whose parents do not.

The reason, says UCLA demographer Megan Sweeney, is largely
economics. With two wage earners, the new family is simply
more likely to be economically stable than a single-parent
family.

Still, Houghton says, simply remarrying isn’t enough.
First, it takes time: four to six years to restabilize, according
to a separate, 30-year study from the University of Virginia.

Second, it takes commitment.

“There’s great potential,” Houghton says,
“but everybody has to be on the same page. They need
to provide what children basically need, which is protection,
consistency, love, time.”

After five years of family meetings, vacations, fun and even
arguments, Michael says what’s finally worked was that
the children now believe in the commitment he and Gladys made
those years ago.

“We both had vision. And that’s what’s
most important. To know how it can be and should be,”
Michael explains.

In the 1950’s,
a date with the family meant a date with your biological mother
and father. But that ideal has slowly faded. By 1972, only
73% of kids lived with their original parents, and now, barely
half do. In fact, a recent study from Kansas State University
(KSU) reports that 9,000 new stepfamilies are being formed
each week. But though this new modern family may differ from
the traditional family of the past, experts are quick to point
out that a sense of family is still a critical component for
child rearing. The KSU Cooperative Extension Service suggests
teaching that “family” is defined not by the way
it is structured but by what each member does for one another.

Recent research suggests that for adolescents,
gender of the child can be important in determining adjustment
to stepfamilies. Some research shows that pre-adolescent boys
fare better in stepfamilies than divorced families, whereas
pre-adolescent girls do somewhat better in divorced families
than stepfamilies.

Psychologists who work with blended families urge parents
to allow time to adjust to the new situation. Many children
who already have experienced separation and divorce may struggle
with the new reality that their old family is now permanently
gone. Even when children know and like the new stepparent,
still be stress for both the child and the parents can still
exist. The Stepfamily Association of America offers the following
suggestions for a smooth transition for your family:

• Encourage all children in the blended family to talk about
  their feelings.
• Make sure all children have their own space, from a bedroom
  to a drawer or closet.
• Involve all children in planning and helping with household
  responsibilities and setting family schedules.

Kansas
State University
Stepfamily Association
of America