Parent Teen Drug Talk

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  Parent
Teen Drug Talk		 Kristen
DiPaolo

| CWK Network
 
 
“I thought I was better off knowing what he was doing rather than have him be doing it behind my back, which he did anyway.”

– Pam Wolpa, Mother –
  Related Information What Parents Need To Know Resources

Andrew’s
mom Pam Wolpa experimented when she was young. She says, “Keep
in mind when I was Andrew’s age, I was smoking pot, and wasn’t
thinking a whole lot about it.”

So, when Andrew started on marijuana, she never told him no.
Pam says, “I thought I was better off knowing what he was
doing rather than have him be doing it behind my back, which he
did anyway.”

If parents tried drugs in their youth…what should they
say to their kids? Experts say one choice is to tell the truth.
Dr. Michael Fishman, a drug rehabilitation director at Ridgeview
Institute in metro Atlanta says, “I think a child will really
perk up and listen when they hear, ‘Oh, really? You experimented?
What was that like? Was there peer pressure?’”

He says if parents do admit to using drugs, they should stress
their regrets, and make it clear to their kids that drug use is
simply unacceptable. Dr. Fishman says, “I think you can use
that as an opportunity to say, ‘Yes, I made some mistakes.
If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t do it, and it’s
very clear that I’m not going to allow that today.”

He also says parents should explain drugs are far more potent
today than they used to be. Dr. Fishman says, “When we were
growing up the potency of marijuana for THC was maybe 6 to 8 percent.
With the hydroponically grown marijuana, we’re seeing anywhere
from forty, fifty, sixty or higher percent THC.”

Today, would Pam Wolpa overlook her son’s drug use? She
says, “No. Looking back, I would never tell any parent to
condone it. Give a clear message from the beginning—it’s
not okay.”

Andrew Wolpa says, “The really bad thing is that I’m
an 18-year-old in rehab and I still want to try more drugs.”
By Larry Eldridge
CWK Network, Inc.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) describes
adolescence as a “time for trying new things.” Teens use alcohol
and drugs for many reasons, including curiosity, because it feels good, to
reduce stress, to feel grown up or to fit in. Teens at risk of developing
serious drug and alcohol problems include those …

  • With a family history of substance abuse.
  • Who are depressed.
  • Who have low self-esteem.
  • Who feel like they don’t fit in or are out of the mainstream.

In addition, warning signs of teen drug abuse may include …

  • Fatigue, repeated health complaints, red and glazed eyes, and
    a lasting cough.
  • Personality change, sudden mood changes, irritability, irresponsible
    behavior, low self-esteem, poor judgment, depression and a general
    lack of interest.
  • Starting arguments, breaking rules or withdrawing from the family.
  • Decreased interest, negative attitudes, drop in grades, many
    absences, truancy and discipline problems.
  • New friends who are less interested in standard home and school
    activities, problems with the law, and changes to less conventional
    styles in dress and music.

Peer pressure is one of the most difficult inducements faced by
teens to use illegal substances. Experts at the Hazelden Foundation
have created the following model that a teen might follow in dealing
with pressure to use drugs or alcohol:

  • Ask questions – Size up the situation before “going
    along.” For example, a classmate might say, “Hey, lets
    go hang out at the mall” – and have shoplifting in mind.
    To be responsible, ask, “What are we going to do? How long
    will we be there?” These questions will help you make informed
    decisions before getting into a problem situation.
  • Name the trouble – After you identify the situation,
    you need to state the possible problem: “That sounds like
    trouble to me.”
  • State the consequences – Use the threat of punishment
    as an excuse not to drink. Say something such as, “My parents
    would ground me for months,” or “I could get kicked off
    the soccer team.”
  • Offer an alternative – If a friend invites you
    to drink or use drugs, suggest an alternative. “Lets go get
    pizza.” If the friend pressures you more, walk away, but leave
    the door open. You could say, “Hey, that’s fine. Go
    do your thing. You’re welcome to join me later.”
  • Get
    out of trouble     – Should you find yourself in a problem
    situation, get out immediately and call a responsible adult for help.
 
By Larry Eldridge
CWK Network, Inc.

Drugs are a threat to almost every child, and one of the best
ways to help ensure your child will make the right decisions when faced with
choices regarding substance abuse is to confront the issue with your child
as early as possible. Experts at the American Academy of Pediatrics list
the following as ways to address the subject of substance abuse with your
child:

  • Talk with your child honestly. Don’t wait to have “the
    drug talk” with your child. Make discussions about tobacco,
    alcohol and other drugs part of your daily conversation. Know the
    facts about how drugs can harm your child. Clear up any wrong information,
    such as “everybody drinks” or “marijuana won’t hurt
    you.”
  • Really listen to your child. Encourage your child to share questions
    and concerns about tobacco, alcohol and other drugs. Do not do
    all the talking or give long lectures.
  • Help your child develop self-confidence. Look for all the good
    things in your child – and then tell your child how proud
    you are. If you need to correct your child, criticize the action,
    not your child. Praise your child’s efforts as well as successes.
  • Help your child develop strong values. Talk about your family
    values. Teach your child how to make decisions based on these standards
    of right and wrong. Explain that these are the standards for your
    family, no matter what other families might decide.
  • Be a good example. Look at your own habits and thoughts about
    tobacco, alcohol and other drugs. Your actions speak louder than
    words.
  • Help your child deal with peer pressure and acceptance. Discuss
    the importance of being an individual and the meaning of real friendships.
    Help your child understand that he/she does not have to do something
    wrong just to feel accepted. Remind your child that a real friend
    won’t care if he/she does not use tobacco, alcohol or other drugs.
  • Make family rules that help your child say “no.” Talk
    with your child about your expectation that he/she will say “no” to
    drugs. Spell out what will happen if he/she breaks these rules.
    Be prepared to follow through, if necessary.
  • Encourage healthy, creative activities. Look for ways to get
    your child involved in athletics, hobbies, school clubs and other
    activities that reduce boredom and excess free time. Encourage
    positive friendships and interests. Look for activities that you
    and your child can do together.
  • Team up with other parents. Work with other parents to build
    a drug-free environment for children. When parents join together
    against drug use, they are much more effective than when they act
    alone. One way is to form a parent group with the parents of your
    child’s friends. The best way to stop a child from using drugs
    is to stop friends from using them.
  • Know what to do if your child has a drug problem. Realize that
    no child is immune to drugs. Learn the signs of drug use. Take
    seriously any concerns you hear from friends, teachers and/or other
    kids about your child’s possible drug use. Trust your instincts.
    If you truly feel that something is wrong with your child, it probably
    is. If there’s a problem, seek professional help.

According to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse
at Columbia University (CASA), parents are the key to keeping kids
drug-free. CASA research shows that the extent to which parents take
a “hands-on” approach in raising their kids, the more
they establish appropriate rules and standards of behavior, and the
more they monitor their teens, the lower the teen’s risk of
substance abuse. “Hands-on,” according to CASA, includes
parents who consistently take 10 or more of the following 12 actions:

  • Monitor what their teens watch on television
  • Monitor what they do on the Internet
  • Put restrictions on the music (CDs) they buy
  • Know where their teens are after school and on weekends
  • Expect to be and are told the truth by their teens about where
    they are going
  • Are “very aware” of their teen’s academic
    performance
  • Impose a curfew
  • Make clear they would be “extremely upset” if their
    teen used pot
  • Eat dinner with their teens six or seven times a week
  • Turn off the television during dinner
  • Assign their teens regular chores
  • Have an adult present when
    the teens return from school
 

American Academy of Pediatrics
The Hazelden Foundation
The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse

 

Parent-Teen Sex Talk

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  Parent-Teen Sex Talk Kristen DiPaolo

| CWK Network
 
 
“I always get a little bit nervous because I always worry about what they might ask me about my own life.”

–

Judy Crim, Mother

–
  Related Information What Parents Need To Know Resources

When 12-year-old Sean Crim has a question about sex he asks his mother. “I would probably rather get information about sex from my parents. They always tell me the truth and they’ve never really lied to me about anything,” he says.

But for his mom, talking about sex isn’t easy. “I always get a little bit nervous because I always worry about what they might ask me about my own life,” says Judy Crim.

It’s an issue for lots of parents. If your children ask about your life before marriage, how would you answer? Sean’s mom says it’s happened to her.

Judy says, “We talk about what was going on when I was a teenager, what teenagers were actively doing. And they’ll say mom did you do any of that?”

It’s an awkward question. Experts say if you are too uncomfortable…you don’t have to answer.

Leola Reis of Planned Parenthood says, “They are still the parent and some of that is not really appropriate. I don’t think you need to lie, I think you can withhold that information. ‘This conversation is not really about me and what I did. It’s what my hopes are for you. And let me tell you some of the things I’ve learned.’”

But if you decide to talk about your past, experts say don’t lie, and remember that you don’t have to say too much. Reis suggests sentences like ”I’m not really comfortable with some of the things I did as a young person.’”

Still, your past can be a lesson for kids about avoiding mistakes. Judy Crim says, “I can also offer them if I made a choice to do something, what regret did I have to live with? What guilt do I have to live with? And how did that affect my life?”

By Larry Eldridge
CWK Network, Inc.

Sex is something parents should constantly discuss with their teens, but you should especially revisit “the talk” with your teen before summer and Christmas vacation. According to a recent study, teens are much more likely to lose their virginity during the months of June and December than any other time of the year. Almost 19,000 adolescents in grades seven through twelve participated in the survey, which identified the month they had sexual intercourse for the first time. The survey also asked if the act was with a romantic partner or was more “casual.”

The findings, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, show June as the most popular month, followed closely by December. Summer and Christmas vacations are believed to be the cause with school out and teens with time on their hands. More events are also planned in June, including high school proms, graduations and summertime parties. The “holiday season effect” makes December the second highest month for teen sex. Experts explained that during the holidays, young females in relationships are more likely to have sex. The holidays usually bring people together and make them closer. The same is true with teenagers.

 
By Larry Eldridge
CWK Network, Inc.

All studies indicate messages from parents regarding sex are extremely important to teens (Washington State Department of Health). In fact, teens state parents as their number one resource for information on the topic. This talk may be uncomfortable for many parents, so the National Parent Teacher Association (PTA) has provided the following tips for parents:

  • Practice. It may take practice to feel comfortable talking about sex with your kids. Rehearsing with a friend or partner can help. Be honest. Admit to your child if talking about sex is not easy for you. You might say, “I wish I’d talked with you about sex when you were younger, but I found it difficult and kept putting it off. My parents never talked to me about it, and I wish they had.”
  • Pay attention. Often parents do not talk to their teens about sex because they did not notice they wanted or needed information. Not all teens ask direct questions. Teenagers are often unwilling to admit they do not know everything. Notice what is going on with your child and use that as a basis for starting a conversation about sexual topics.
  • Look for chances to discuss the sexual roles and attitudes of men and women with your child. Use television show, ads and articles as a start.
  • Listen. When you give your full attention, you show that you respect your child’s thoughts and feelings. Listening also gives you a chance to correct wrong information they may have gotten from friends. As you listen, be sensitive to unasked questions. “My friend Mary is going out on a real date,” could lead to a discussion of how to handle feelings about touching and kissing.

Parents can also share their feelings on the topic through words and actions. The best way is to talk to teens. Even though it may seem like they are not listening – they are. To have a healthy and effective discussion on sex, the Advocates for Youth Campaign encourages parents to:

  • Educate yourself and talk with your children about issues of sexuality. Do not forget about discussing the importance of relationships, love, and commitment.
  • Discuss explicitly with preadolescents and teens the value of delaying sexual initiation and the importance of love and intimacy as well as of safer sex and protecting their health.
  • Encourage strong decision-making skills by providing youth with age-appropriate opportunities to make decisions and to experience the consequences of those decisions. Allow young people to make mistakes and encourage them to learn from those mistakes.
  • Encourage teens to create a resource list of organizations to which they can turn for assistance with sexual health, and other issues. Work together to find books and websites that offer accurate information.
  • Actively support comprehensive sex education in the schools. Find out what is being taught about sexuality, who is teaching it and what your teens think about it.
  • Actively voice your concerns if sex education being taught in local public schools appears biased, discriminatory, or inaccurate, has religious content, or promotes a particular creed or denomination.
  • Demonstrate unconditional love and respect for your children.
 

Advocates for Youth Campaign
Journal of Marriage and Family
National Parent Teacher Association
Washington State Department of Health

 

Getting Teens Talking

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Education Feature
Getting Teens Talking

By Robert Seith
CWK Senior Producer
 
“You can push too much and that’ll shut the child down. So it’s a fine balance: Be available, be a good listener, and also know when you do need to push in case they’re into some things that they shouldn’t be.”
– Gloria Meaux, Ph.D., psychologist. –

How much do teenagers tell their parents?

“I hardly share anything with my parents,” says 16-year-old Derek Kelley.

“I share very little with my parents,” says 18-year-old Tyler Wichelhaus.

And Jessie Donaghy gives an example of a question she hates: “How was your day?”

“When you’ve had a horrible day, you just feel like people at school are mad at you,” she says. ” Your classes went horribly, you failed a test. It can almost be an insult without them knowing it, because it just seems insensitive.”

Experts say parents have to ask specifics about a friend their child may be having trouble with, or a test at school that they were worried about.

“The specific questions, you’ll get more bang for your buck if you want them to communicate back to you than some general question that you could ask a stranger on the street,” says Dr. Meaux.

“Sometimes she’ll be like ‘so how is that situation going with this person’ and I’ll just burst out crying,” says Jessie.

Experts say it starts by being easy to talk to.

“You’re sort of the approachable parent, that you listen more than you talk, and listening is the hard thing,” says Dr. Meaux.

And once they truly believe you’re listening, experts say they’ll open up more.

“The more talking they’ll do because they’ll be open,” says Licensed Clinical Social Worker Freddie Wilson. “[They’ll be more open if they feel] you’re open to hearing what I’m saying rather than talking and giving them solutions and solving their problems for them. They want someone to hear them.”

And knowing when your child really needs your ear comes from getting to know your child.

“I’ll look at her and I’ll say ‘You look like you’re down, did something happen?’ Yea. Was it so and so? Yea,” explains Mrs. Donaghy.

“It helps to know that she cares and that she’s actually wanting to know about things,” says Jessie.

 
Related
Information

While the teenage years can be a very frustrating time for parents and teenagers alike, no secret formula exists for talking to teens. But the Harvard School of Public Health’s Parenting Project, which conducted extensive research on parenting teens, found that “significant agreement” exists among experts regarding important basic principles for opening the communication lines.

The project’s most recent report highlights the basics of raising and communicating with your teenagers and includes a list of strategies for each. In the report, Dr. Rae Simpson says parents need to “love and connect” with their teen.

“Teens need parents to develop and maintain a relationship with them that offers support and acceptance,” Dr. Simpson writes, “while accommodating and affirming the teen’s increasing maturity.”

According to the report, you can connect with your teen by following these suggestions:

  • Watch for moments when you feel and can express genuine affection, respect and appreciation for your teen.
  • Acknowledge the good times made possible by your teen’s personality and growth.
  • Expect increased criticism and debate, and strengthen your skills for discussing those ideas and disagreements in ways that respect both your teen’s opinions and your own.
  • Spend time just listening to your teen’s thoughts and feelings about his or her fears, concerns, interests, ideas, perspectives, activities, jobs, schoolwork and relationships.
  • Treat each teen as a unique individual distinct from siblings, stereotypes, his or her past or your own past.
  • Appreciate and acknowledge each teen’s new areas of interest, skills, strengths and accomplishments, as well as the positive aspects of adolescence generally, such as its passion, vitality, humor and deepening intellectual thought.
  • Provide meaningful roles for your teen in the family, ones that are genuinely useful and important to the family’s well being.
  • Spend time together one on one and as a family, continuing some familiar family routines, while also taking advantage of ways in which new activities, such as community volunteering, can offer alternative ways to connect.

By respecting and loving your teenager, you open the lines of communication and build a supportive and trusting environment so that your child feels comfortable opening up to you.

Dr. Simpson offers this key message to parents: ” Most things about [your teen’s] world are changing. Don’t let your love be one of them.”

 

Research has shown that while teenagers want their freedom, they also appreciate their parents showing concern for them and being interested in their daily activities. Experts have listed guidelines for parents to set for their teenagers while still allowing them room to grow.

  • Monitor what your teen watches on television.
  • Monitor what your teen does on the Internet.
  • Put restrictions on the music your teen purchases.
  • Know where your teen spends his or her time after school and on the weekends.
  • Expect to be told the truth by your teen about where he or she is going.
  • Be “very aware” of your teen’s academic performance.
  • Impose a curfew.
  • Eat dinner with your teen six or seven nights a week.
  • Turn off the television during family meals.
  • Assign your teen regular chores.

By setting some or all of these rules, you will be in control and have a working knowledge of your teen’s activities, while still allowing them to make their own choices and decisions.

 
Bonus Families
Families are Talking
The Media Project
Focus on the Family

 

 


Talking To Our Daughters

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Education Feature

Talking To Our Daughters

By Yvette J. Brown
CWK Network

 
“Bottom line message to parents in talking to their daughters about menstruation is to do it. TALK!”
-Betsy Wallace, Health Educator-

11-year old Avery is approaching an important change in her life.

“I’m a little worried about when this is gonna happen and to know my future and how it’s gonna all feel,” she says.

Avery’s mom, a health educator, began talking to her daughters about menstruation when each turned eight.

“I think they think of it as a positive thing,” says Colleen Gardener. “It’s not dirty, it’s not bad, it’s not gross, it’s wonderful.”

According to a recent survey in the journal Sex Roles, 64-percent of women said they got negative messages about their periods as girls. 26-percent learned about it from books or at school-not from mom or dad.

Experts say even today, parents have a difficult time talking about menstruation in part because it means their daughter is no longer a child.

“Once a young girl starts menstruating, she is capable of getting pregnant and becoming sexually active and that opens a whole new door for families and for mothers and daughters,” explains Betsy Wallace a health educator. She conducts workshops for parents teaching them how to talk to their daughters about puberty and sexuality.

Experts add that some parents simply don’t know what to say or they wait for their kids to initiate the conversation.

Colleen Gardener, agrees. She also works teaches parents how to talk to their kids about sensitive issues.

“There’s a lot of moms I hear, ‘I’m not ready to go there because they haven’t asked questions.’ Or ‘I don’t think they’re ready yet.’ They’re ready. They don’t know they can come to you with the conversation because it hasn’t been raised at home yet.”

Experts say a good first step is to plan your conversation.

[Ask yourself] “What do I want my child to really hear? Do I want them to hear that menstruating and moving into this part of her life is a good thing? Of course, we want them to feel good about their bodies.”

That’s the message Avery got and she’s glad she heard it from her mom.

She says, “I’m more confident now that I’ve heard it from somebody that I trust.”

 
Related
Information

Menarche, or the time when menstruation begins, has been a constant in girl’s lives forever, but its timing has changed some over the years. According to Robert Steele, M.D., the beginning of menstruation for girls decreased two to three months per decade over the last 150 years, until the trend stopped around 1940. Better nutritional knowledge and improved general health have influenced the age at which puberty occurs, Dr. Steele said. The biggest factor determining the onset of menarche may be genetics, however, so much so that the age at which a girl begins menstruating is often the same age at which her mother began. In fact, “W hen socioeconomic and environmental factors lead to good nutrition and general health, the age of the onset of puberty in normal children is primarily determined by genetic factors,” Dr. Steele added.

 

Most girls by the age of eight or nine are capable to understand that they are going to experience puberty changes and will soon begin to menstruate. It’s never too early however, to encourage your daughter to begin taking more responsibility for taking care of herself, i.e. good eating habits, good personal hygiene, exercise, etc. Understanding menstruation is key to your daughter’s ability to take care of herself and maintain good health. A fairly simple way to remember what your daughter needs to know about menstruation is by following the T-E-A-C-H-E-R principle.

  • T his (menstruation) is a natural event and a part of growing up for all women.
  • E xperience (Sharing your personal experiences about menstruation is helpful).
  • A n atomy (Your daughter should know the organs that make up her reproductive system, internal and external).
  • C hanges associated with menstruation (physical and emotional)
  • H ow menstruation gives her the ability to have a baby.
  • E xpectations you have of her to take care of herself and become more responsible and self-reliant.
  • R e member you’ll be available for advice and guidance or simply to lend an ear.

Here are other guidelines, questions and suggestions to remember when discussing this topic with your daughter.

  • Start early. Girls benefit when adults treat menstruation as a healthy, normal event. Be open about menstruation, while still respecting privacy.
  • Be concrete. Abstract ideas, such as “Menstruation is a transition into womanhood,” may be lost. Use concrete tips. Girls usually want to know how to dispose of pads, where to get pads at school, how to prepare for overnights away from home, etc. Plus they should be reminded to pay attention to personal hygiene.
  • Weed out misinformation. Ask your daughter what she already has learned from peers and others about menstruation. You may have to dispel misinformation.
  • Present biological basics. Using language comfortable to your daughter, create a simple framework on which you can hang more details later.
  • What about Dad? Obviously, each family is different when it comes to the father’s role. Some girls prefer their dad to stay out of it. Many want their fathers to play an indirect role by offering support and understanding, but that’s usually the extent of it.
  • Helping her through the first ob/gyn appointment. Prior to her first menstrual period – when physical changes become apparent – girls should visit an ob/gyn. This can help them link the physical changes in their body with emotional changes they are feeling. Explain the exam ahead of time.
  • Help her track her cycle. Each period should be marked on a calendar, noting symptoms and patterns.
  • Check web sites. Internet sites such as the ones listed below may help answer your daughter’s questions.
 

Parents Talk

Sensitive Solutions
Tampax
Museum of Menstruation & Women’s Health