Winning the War of Wills

'If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times'...it's a mantra heard in households across the country. But how many times do parents have to repeat themselves? And what methods of discipline actually work?

Angela Warren is still trying to figure that out. Every time her daughter Skai talks back, Angela takes her toys away.

"Like the last time we did it, I made her pick the toys up and put them in the garbage bag herself, so we could take them out," says Angela. "And she was like, 'Okay'. She did it with no problem. So, I'm just like, okay, this is not working, cause it didn't bother her. She didn't mind."

"All the stuff I have from Christmas I can't open," says six-year-old Skai.

As in many families, discipline is a constant struggle for Angela and her daughter. But experts say there are a few keys to disciplining your child that actually work.

First, says clinical psychologist Dr. Beth Seidel, "set out what your expectations are for the evening. 'We're going to have dinner around six, six-thirty; after dinner it's time for shower, after shower we're going to, you know, read in our rooms and lights out at eight o'clock.' Then, when parents try to enforce it and the kids start saying, 'but mom, but dad', the parents are like, 'no, remember, we talked about this. You know this is our routine'."

Second, she says; even though it's hard, don't get angry. "Because the truth of the matter is, the more escalated we get, it escalates them and it does not solve anything," she notes. "The calmer we are, the more calm they will be. And it also is a very good role model for them. You're teaching them how to deal with frustration and anger."

Third, make the consequences immediate, "because if you let too much time pass, it loses its effectiveness," says Seidel.

And finally, be consistent. "Because kids are incredibly perceptive on ways to wiggle in and to manipulate the situation in their favor," she says. "So if they know that dad, when he comes home from work or mom, when she comes home from work... tend to be a little bit more wishy-washy, that's when they go in for the kill."

Angela says she's waiting for the day she doesn't have to ask for something twice. "When I say something, just do it," she says. "That's my one wish. When I say it, just do it."

Ask any group of parents to name the most frustrating stage in their young children's development, and most will likely recall the "terrible twos" – a time of conflict when toddlers test their parents' limits. While many parents respond to their 2-year-olds' incessant demands with a firm "no," studies suggest that explaining the reasoning behind the limits may be a better approach to such conflicts.

The study, published in the journal Child Development, examined 63 mother-toddler pairs over a six-month period beginning when the toddlers were 30 months old. The researchers found that mothers who gave their children clear and concise explanations for certain rules, like why they could not have a particular snack, instead of simple insistence tended to have children who also justified their actions during similar conflicts. Moreover, those children who received detailed reasoning also appeared to develop a high level of emotional and moral understanding when they were 3 years old. In other words, these children were better able to identify their own emotions and to resist the temptation to break the rules.

"Given that these [parent-toddler] conflicts are an important part of daily life, children are learning from these conflicts," said study author Dr. Deborah J. Laible of Southern Methodist University. "Parents really have to be open in communication; they need to justify their side of an argument. [I]f the child can make a pretty decent argument, it bodes well for the parent to occasionally resolve and give in."

Coping with a parent-child conflict is a difficult task no matter what your child's age, but why are such tantrums more intense and frustrating during the toddler years? The American Academy of Pediatrics says that your toddler's sudden bursts of screams and bouts of crying most likely stem from one of the following factors:

• Your child may not fully understand what you are saying or asking, which causes him or her to become confused.
• Your child may become upset when others cannot understand what he or she is saying.
• Your child may not have the words to describe his or her feelings and needs. After 3 years of age, most children can express their feelings, so temper tantrums subside. Children who are unable to express their feelings very well with words are more likely to continue to have tantrums.
• Your child has not yet learned to solve problems on his or her own and gets discouraged easily.
• Your child may have an illness or other physical problem that keeps him or her from expressing how he or she feels.
• Your child may be hungry but may not recognize it.
• Your child may be tired or not getting enough sleep.
• Your child may be anxious or uncomfortable.
• Your child may be reacting to stress or changes at home.
• Your child may be jealous of a friend or sibling. Children often want what other children have or the attention they receive.
• Your child may not yet be able to do the things he or she can imagine, such as walking or running, climbing down stairs or from furniture, drawing pictures or making toys work.

What We Need To Know

While learning how to effectively deal your toddler's moods may be challenging, you must remember to keep your cool because you are setting an example for your child. The National Network for Child Care (NNCC) suggests these tips for resolving conflicts with your child:

• Try to remain calm. Spanking or screaming at your child only tends to make the tantrum worse instead of better. Set a positive example for your child by remaining in control of yourself and your emotions. Remember, never shake your child in response to a tantrum!
• Pause before you act. Take at least 30 seconds to decide how you will handle the tantrum. Consider these four options for dealing with a tantrum: Distract – Try to get your child's attention focused on something else. If he or she screams when you take him or her away from something unsafe (like your purse), offer him or her something else with which to play with. Remove – Take your child to a quiet, private place to calm down. This should be a quiet "cooling down" place that is away from other children. Avoid trying to talk or reason with a screaming child. It doesn't work! Ignore – Older children will sometimes throw tantrums to get attention. Try ignoring the tantrum and going about your business as usual. Hold – Holding an "out-of-control" child calmly is sometimes necessary to keep him or her from hurting himself or herself or someone else. Children don't like to be out of control. It scares them. An adult who is able to take charge of the situation and remain calm and in control can be very reassuring.
• Wait until your child calms down, then talk. It's difficult to reason with a screaming child. Insist on a "cooling down" period, and follow up with a discussion about behavior. Use this opportunity to teach the child "OK" ways to handle anger and difficult situations. With practice, preschoolers and school-aged youth can learn how to ask for help, when to go somewhere to "cool down," how to try a more successful way of doing something and how to express feelings with words (rather than hitting, kicking or screaming).
• Comfort and reassure your child. Tantrums really scare most kids. Often, they are not sure why they feel so angry and feel rather shaken when it is all over. Your child needs to know that you disapprove of his or her behavior but that you still love him or her.

In addition to managing tantrums, learning how to prevent them is also helpful. The Lucille Packard Children's Hospital offers these suggestions for maintaining a tantrum-free environment:

• Stick to routines for meals and sleep times. Avoid long outings, delayed meals and naps.
• Distract your child with a toy he or she is allowed to have.
• Be reasonable about what to expect from your child, and do not expect your child to be perfect.
• Help your child to avoid frustration. Prepare him or her for changes or events by talking about them before they happen.
• Let your child know your rules and stick to them.

Resources

• American Academy of Pediatrics
• Lucille Packard Children's Hospital
• National Network for Child Care
• Southern Methodist University

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